Have You Allowed Yourself to Stop?

It’s a sincere question, truly.  No censure or shaming here.

I ask because…well…it’s a tough thing for me to do.

I never gave myself the luxury to retreat inside myself…inTO myself…after Charlie died. 

Some might say that I had a daughter to care for…(I might have said, I had animals to care for…knowing my Grace had become all but completely self-sufficient by then…or at least…self-sufficient enough…that I could have laid in bed for days on end and knew she wouldn’t starve). 

That’s not a brag…  In fact, it’s a point of shame and hurt for me that she had the skills at eleven to keep herself alive by her own volition.

I have just always FELT like…I should be DOING something.

That doesn’t mean it translated into doing something that was actually MEANINGfully productive…just that it was…something.  Something that required me to get up, go through some motions, check a box off a list, cross off a chore…something that said – your presence was ‘required’ today…

I think, perhaps, there are times when we must let ourselves do nothing.  I am not good at that.

Even when I am not really checking the most critical items off my list…I am STILL doing something.

But this week…I don’t know…I wanted to do…nothing.

I haven’t really written (aside from this and a couple of personal correspondences).

I haven’t painted.  (My walls OR anything creative…)

I’ve walked the dogs…(but haven’t hiked anywhere just for me).

I’ve run my mileage…(but only because I felt I HAD to…to stay up with it).

I took a break from social media because…(well, because I had to let myself know that it’s okay to let it go.  At least for a short time).

I’ve been reading a LOT.  Or I should day “re-reading” my personal library of favorite tomes.  (And when I say ‘tomes,’ I mean historical romance by Julia Quinn.  She’s my fave.)

I have cooked a LOT of cookies…(too many and WAY too yummy…that is NOT good…)

But this week, all in all, I felt like I just had to stop.  I had to STOP scrolling, STOP trying to be productive, STOP trying to accomplish “The LIST,” and STOP – beating myself up about it.

Because, good Lord, (I know He knows…) I probably deserve a break.  I’m sure I’m not the only one.

I AM a woman of faith, but I can’t help but think, the good Lord is saying, for God’s sake, Katie…TAKE.A.BREAK.

It’s taken several weeks to arrive at that conclusion.

So, I AM working on spending a bit more time with Jesus.  I’m listening to Him more…seeking Him more…trying to LISTEN to Him more…(I’m slow…so yeah…).

I am fortunate that I can feel Him working in me.  (That doesn’t mean I can (or WILL) discern His meaning (I’m slow)…but I can definitely FEEL Him… and that is a comfort.)

And for THAT, I am grateful.

The world is hurting so horribly right now.  And while I can’t identify with the exact nature of the agony…there is a certain portion I can feel…and it hurts my heart so.  I am SO sorry for the agonizing loss of life that people are feeling.  I am SO sorry for the circumstances, for their heartache at not being able to say goodbye…

I stayed with Charlie for some time after the life left his body…and oh my God, how it hurt!  I knew he wasn’t there with me; I KNEW he couldn’t hear me…but I cried, and I grieved, and I poured out the liquid witness of all the love I ever felt for him. 

It is hard to lose the ones you love.

It must be harder still, to lose them without the sanctity of goodbye.

For all of those who are going through that kind of loss right now…well, I cannot imagine that it’s anything less than the worst heartbreak…an inconsolable state of being.

For everyone else…maybe take this time to stop. 

If you’re able. 

If you’re granted the chance.

When the world comes crashing down…maybe the only thing we can do is just take a second and just…stop…and try to listen.