She never says so.
She’s never once said (to me), “I wish my dad was here.”
She’s never said, “You’re failing me, and I need dad.”
But I know she must feel that…she must THINK that from time to time.
Her dad was her favorite playmate. But that was up until she was eight and nine, before he couldn’t really “play” anymore.
He died when she was eleven and she’s fourteen now.
She is growing into this INCREDIBLY beautiful person, inside and out, although her “insides” and mine, often conflict.
Sometimes…I can’t help but imagine what family life would be like if Charlie was still here with us…if he could hear all her funny quips…sarcastic comebacks…and just BE there with me in the wings…watching her find hers…
What would he say? What would he think? What would we be…together?
She’s her own funky bit of self.
A little bit Charlie, a little bit me…but a WHOLE lot of just – her.
It’s lonely being a Solo parent.
I know there are a lot of single parents out there. And I know there are cases where, perhaps, it would probably be better if it was a Solo situation instead of a single parent situation…cases where co-parenting is not a tranquil or cooperative arrangement. I think that must be harder.
I wonder what her takeaway from this period in her life will be…how will it shape her?
Will it create in her a need for closeness and/or relationships that prove to be unhealthy?
Will it make her stronger? Help her be more discerning? More critical in her evaluations of the relationships she chooses to allow into her life?
Will it cause her to distance herself from me in a need to escape a sad period of life where I’m just a reminder of all she lost, or never even had?
I don’t know.
As a Solo, I feel I fail her every day…that I’m not enough, that I’ll never be ‘enough’.
But NOT so much that I feel compelled to actively seek backup…except in the form of advice and commiserating stories from close friends.
And I certainly appreciate that backup. You are very appreciated and valued in my life!
I watch her growing up before my eyes, maturing, struggling for independence…and it just makes me think. And wonder.
Wonder at the amazing march of time…of growth…of change…and of the resilience of the human spirit.
My child amazes me.
As much as I should be a role model for HER…I feel she is also one for ME.
“If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do matters very much.”
Jackie Kennedy, former First Lady of the United States